Dancing in the Shadows

Lately, it's been a game of finding puzzle pieces, and not, as of yet, finding solutions. A never ending NY Times crossword that goes from dream to nightmare when I realize someone's lost the clues. But, with a massive block of back-to-back appointments coming, and high anxiety being common place. People constantly demanding that I ask for help... ah, but I know what happens if people think you have! Besides, I LIKE doing things on my own, struggles are for learning from, life gets better. The sun always comes out if not tomorrow, than soon! People tearing down work with "I'd do it this way"... "I think that should go..." "Oh, look, who helped you?" (Nobody, if you please, I put in the freaking effort.) I need to go past that.
If, lately, I have asked something, in a burst of "let's see what happens", please, ignore it.

May seems to be booked already... medical board, furniture delivery, hearing aid evail and balance/ dizziness tests. I am swamped. I am sick and a bit bruised... I do need someone to talk to, but I'll do that when I quit being pigheaded and stubborn. I need a change of scenery... I am thinking first, get good sneakers and go head down to do some rock-climbing. And go from there.

She Puts the Bomp In The Bop-She-Bop

My friend Kristi is a spectacularly hilarious woman, who, in a burst of  "Life is nuts" added knee replacement surgery to her list.. she is not a complainer, and loves to read, write, create, sew, and has been a gigantic help to me. Send her love, and encouragement... see "Not the Bee's Knees" . This is also a woman who is spectacular at photography, and always has a wild and hilarious idea. Her Katy Perry look was awesome! :)

She is also the spectacular creator behind Topaz Crafts... here's the wreath I got as a Christmas gift in 2010. She also makes decorative brooms, and more.

Just Thinkin' ...

When it comes to faith, you need not push it on anyone, or preach... but attempt to live... and live it. If it means that you look weird, so be it. If it is simply a coping mechanism, so be it.
A little quiet, a little time to think, can be awful... or can be used to heal. Right  now... I have medical procedures to recover from, calls I've avoided making because I am a bit sad and it would feel awkward. Because like faith, you don't push sadness onto others.

In some ways, I feel better--- I still have had a few too many shocks and weirdnesses to sleep easily (and so, at nearly 2AM, I am up watching Alfred Hitchcock Presents? Sheesh, perfect for nightmares, isn't it?)

All I know is, I needed "down time"...since I downloaded "Family Tree: The Roots" by Radical Face a few months ago, and finally uploaded it to my iPod, I've been curled up, listening to that and to Beethoven. And reading bits of a book that uses Beethoven's journal entries. I think it's interesting that increasing deafness pulled Beethoven further from society of others, and into himself. His own hell. And yet, he took Goethe's opus, of a man named for fortune, who, when misfortune struck,  sought to get whatever he liked via a diabolical deal, hurt those who loved him...  and yet, Beethoven turned it into something quite heavenly.

And thinking. Anyone who knows me knows that thinking is probably not a good thing for me to indulge in, but I think I needed it.

Yes, I did take time, between Good Friday and Easter, to be quiet, to pray, yes, for Lent, I refused meat on Fridays. Not to preach, and not so I could "get" something... it simply felt natural and right to me.

My "thinkin' " gave me:
I: Don't hurt yourself, or others, to achieve what you want. A short-term happiness will be paid for with a long-term sadness.
II: Listen to your gut, not a bunch of "You shoulds" and "This is how it is," "This is how everyone does its"... if something feels wrong, it is because it is wrong for you, despite the shoulds, hows and everyone-does-it-s.
III: If it is right, do it. If it is wrong, do not do it.
IV:Sometimes, we disappoint others. We'll foul up here and there. If people turn their backs, they were not right for you in the first place. Someone who truly loves will not do so.
V: Lies, even if everyone-does-it- will serve only to hurt in the end.
Who cares, in the end, if someone practices old-fashioned, or odd ways of dealing... or whose faith is perhaps a bit strict (which they impose on themselves)--- the important thing is: Walk the walk. Talking the talk may not be needed. Show it with your actions.

May I find patience, and may I learn to forgive... myself.

In The Still, Still, Still of the Evening

The past few days of recovering from massive side effects of anti-seizure drugs (I have now gone through the entire spectrum), I've been sleeping long hours at weird times (Sleep, at all, is a blessing). I'm enjoying giving myself some quiet... yes, I do have worries on my mind, and 99 problems, yada yada... but can't quite point out exactly what's bugging me... pain? Anxiety? Worries about further tests, more falls, more black outs? So the quiet time, without analyzing, (any more than I already do) is nice.
But, when I wake up suddenly and find myself asking, "Ok, what the hell was that"? I know that something's seriously odd in dream land.

In the most freakish dream, I was experiencing what I'd call a nice day--- I'm by the sea, I'm happy. But then I fall and get a big gash on my arm. A few days later, I realize it's turning black and looks like things are moving under my skin. After a while, I can't stand it any longer, and I tear open the skin with my fingers, exposing the long muscle and bone...and a massive group of scorpions come out. We take care of them, call Orkin? or so I think, and my arm miraculously heals back. I go to bed, and in the middle of the night, realize crisp cotton sheets suddenly don't feel cool and comforting, but like I'm on fire! (If you know the pins and needles, limbs on fire feeling...that, times a million!) I quickly strip off the blankets and scurry, over a floor that's writhing, and there is a mass of scorpions, all chattering "Kill! Kill!" all over the place. One comes close, while I'm unprepared, even with a can of Raid, while I'm standing in a big t-shirt in the light of two 75 watt bulbs... and chants "kill, kill!" before pulling back its' spiny tail and digging it firmly into my thigh. And... then I woke up, clutching my leg and coated in sweat.

What the hell was that?!

Poodle Skirts, Saddle Shoes and Beehives...Oh My!

The Rookie has some gorgeous satire (the blog background strikes me, as it reminds me of something from my mom's mid-to-late 60's high school yearbook.)

How to Be A Lady "rocked my socks" as it were. It does help to know what sarcasm is, otherwise, heaven help you.

How To Be A Lady, Rookie Mag

Tip 1:
The only non-sarcastic truths from this tip on grooming would be
A)Wash yourself and your hair. You, everyday, your hair, every day to every other day, depending on texture.
B)If you like perfumes, find a signature scent. I like light florals, the clean stuff. But I'm working on a display for Grandma's perfumes (If this is wrong and I've accidentally given the title of a porn flick, then let it go, it happens ALL the time.) From her "Evening in Paris" perfume, to her "Opium" and the unopened bottle and box of Miss Dior. Which I'll put next to my own, Pure Grace. Try to make your own signature scent. Which means, get to know yourself.

Tip 2:
Everybody pees. Among other things. If you know there is no hiding that you are a piddler, then have some fun. Stock your water closet with good cooking magazines, books, whatever. I find Twilight comes in handy when I run out of toilet paper. Since I'm in there so much, with kidney issues, I'm seriously considering putting a disco ball in there. Gives "Do the Hustle" a whole new meaning, does it not?

Tip  3:
Clean, neat clothing. If you happen to have hips that cannot hold up pants: BUY A GOOD BELT. Also, go get measured. TRUST ME.

Tip 4:
Study. Try to learn as much about the world as you can, including the gory stuff. But...don't forget to LIVE. A bookworm can find themselves to be rather terrified by the world if they're not careful. But remember that your experiences will not be others'. Just because one person had the shot at being rebellious, etc doesn't mean that the person who is scared of their own shadow and of acting up is wrong. Don't think that if you've experienced it, everyone has to.

Tip 5:
Sometimes, "Get bent!" can come in handy on dates.
Eat the way you must for your health. Trying not to eat in front of people, or worrying about what it looks like you're doing (I happen to like whole, salted cucumbers. At one point, we were at such a clean part of the Baltic that it was possible to snip off cucumber tips and dunk them in the water...cold and salty-- yes, it looks like I'm doing untoward things to Shrek. I don't care!) is really silly. Food is there to nourish and be enjoyed. Screw "What must it look like?" and just freaking dig in.

Still Waters Run Deep

Sometimes, it can get so hectic that the chance to quietly contemplate, to pray for patience and peace, and to simply just be quiet is necessary.
Later, I'll watch a few disparate movies and sit back.

What odd ball things do I like to do by myself?
1)Make cookies... and then lick the spoon. Have the actual cookies with a glass of milk and not care if I end up greeting someone with a milky Fu-Manchu.
2)Allow myself the messiness of S'mores... I don't know about you, but I can't eat them without a ring of chocolate around my mouth and some marshmallow going everywhere.
3)Sit criss-cross applesauce and sway to Bob Dylan. Occasionally, I put my lighter in the air too.
4)Test out different things---"Well, this'll make a good hat..." (Most of the time, it would, provided I were Princess Beatrice.)
5)Learn about the craziest, most deliciously horrifying and disgusting things history can teach.
6)Take a shower while playing Handel's Water Music in the background, as loudly as it will go.
7)My version of dancing.
8)Laying on the rug "feeling" Beethoven.

For Good Friday, through Easter, I am starting a tortilla soup in the crock pot, and taking time to search for patience. I had no idea that taking this sort of quiet time was a weird thing, I just knew I needed it.
Also, while I did meatless Fridays during Lent, they weren't all fish...some fries, some soups, some spaghetti nights and some gf pizza from Davinci's.... because I can't stand 6 weeks straight of fish. And soon, I can go and get myself a good, sturdy, meaty meal. Once again, I had no clue this was a weird thing, and here, I informed friends about it, like "ain't no thang". I guess what you learn from the Pre Vatican II Catholics can stick with you. I only know I can use the quiet, the patience, the peace... and will work on that.

Happy Easter!

The warm/ windy/chilly/rainy weather is bloody annoying... it's a blessing I'm always cold and haven't put the Black Poppy toggle jacket away!

I was worried when I had tests done... and, besides pointing out that I have a polyp on my sinuses (I was born with it, I'll take it with me.) everything else is... INCONCLUSIVE. So, more tests, and a threat of a 3-day EEG with print out. How embarrassing to have a doctor read that smut! ;) ~ and blood tests galore. We know I'm vitamin deficient, have managed to have an issue with every anti-convulsive drug out there~~~ I got into a dark mood and joked that (A) I was going to hold a rave for epilepsy awareness, and (B) that's not any worse than a pie-eating contest for bulimia awareness. In my "Gallows Humor" moods, I can insult just about anyone.

Right now? All I can really say, kind of out of it is: "Tell Ronnie you got knocked the fuck out." So, tests, threats (somewhat vague, but issued anyway) of surgeries~ I am not good with surgery, recovery/ wake up time is a bit of a bugger, so that's something I'm pushing to the back.

I will also be having tests done because with the amount of vitamins---1,000 IU Vitamin D weekly, a daily multi-vitamin, feverfew and magnesium 3 times a day, and a B-12 shot once a month, I'm showing signs that I'm pissing them away. As of yet, nothing on the fair hearing asked for regarding my insurance company's spectacularly stupid reason for denying a root canal in a broken molar--- which could be fixed, and is actually more cost effective--- I tried to very politely say: "You are willing to choke on the cost for Imitrex injectors which cost $300 each, and numerous pills that get stopped due to allergies/ sensitivities. A healthy tooth could help with headaches. More stress, more pain, more tooth grinding, more jaw clenching... see the cycle? I might not need 3 packages of 2 injectors a month anymore. And you denied me because I'm over 21?! A healthy mouth helps a healthy body."
Maybe I'll hear back by August.

Next week...I correct more problems, and take a trip to... Planned Parenthood, as my gyno doesn't do birth control (but recommended I go there as she works for Catholic Health.) I love having to do extra for medical care.

Well, anyway... Happy Easter!