How do I put this in a way that doesn't reek of snobbery? The hell with it, I'll go with letting it all flow and if you really know me, then it reads as it comes out naturally. If you're reading with an automatic disdainful tone, then "I went to a concert, where I forgot I was in pain for a while" will sound something like, (oh, God, this following phrase is going to hurt like hell, as it's unnatural and full of false vitriol.)---"I am better than you, I am holier than thou..."
In the abstract, I understand humanity is complicated... both dark and sweet, like the scents of my memory... the dark, dirty-sweet smell of ambergris mixed with purely-sweet flowers. In the concrete, I have to wonder why it seems like life occasionally mimics Hitchcock.
I have nothing left. I have no axes to grind. I have other projects, other tasks to perform. I haven't got it in me to hold hatred in my heart, to sing "I am happy" while wishing for others' pain and looking for things to be offended by. As the nights grow colder, I look for other things to do, other projects. Am I angry sometimes that general statements got taken personally? Sure. I'm working it out. Am I going to slut-shame, vitriolically accuse of every crime? No.
My "Fragile psyche" is just fine, thanks. There's nothing wrong with feeling... I hurt when others' hurt... it's how sometimes people get close enough to hurt me. But I will not take to being ordered around, have every move tracked, have people threatening me, and when I take time, and believe me, looking down the barrel, as I am, fighting as hard as I am for answers, I will need time off from everyone... being attacked... is wrong. I would not dare use personal tragedies of another to hurt them. Their mistakes are theirs to deal with.
If So and So is doing something questionable you don't approve of? Their life! Their consequences!
I offered forgiveness, not hatred. Not a new chance to offer fear and vitriol. I will not dare say all that I have been hurt by. It needs to be laid down and forgotten. But a call from an untraceable number (nice try! I know that trick!) with disguised voice? Oh, sweetie. Report away. Spy away. I will continue to grow and thrive, to try to gain answers and my health, and to wish you the best. And actual genuine happiness. But I will not be good, quiet, gentle, sweet, anymore. I will not behave. Not for you. I did not intend to shove the first time but simply take time to recoup... it had been rough, I wanted quiet... from everyone. Something general was taken personally, hell broke loose. Never once did I plot, look down upon. Never once did I wish anything but happiness. Genuine happiness doesn't need to spy, to report, to look for ways to feel angry. It just lives, it just is.
