It Doesn't Rain But It Pours

I'm apparently not seeing things in the way they're intended... I'm finding sarcasm where there is none, laughing at things that normally would make me very mad...
I save the brunt of irritation for assholes.
Now, if I see you hurting yourself, damn right, I'll get pissed. If I see you hurting others, yup, the same goes there.
I'm not in my right mind... the past year is catching up to me... Aunt Marcia, taken down at 58 just before Thanksgiving '09 by ALS, mom and her issues after a bad cold/stress (Bell's Palsy...she's doing better, I again had to force her to go to the hospital and get checked out though.) Grandma...still haven't begun to grieve there. I don't sleep most often, I have a short deep sleep here or there and then feel like I'm missing something. I hurt. And this past Sunday, my friend lost her miracle baby, born at 20 some weeks... and after such a struggle. She'd had PCOS, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which altered her body, and made it difficult to conceive, a bad marriage she finally left, and after starting fresh, had a baby born at 28 weeks with numerous issues. He was a happy kid, enjoyed goofing off... I just looked at his Halloween pics again... he was a cute lil cheeseburger last week at his school, where he also enjoyed the help at a walk for special needs preschoolers. He had massive seizures. But he hadn't had one in a long time... so the guard was relaxed...and he had a seizure in his sleep and died in his sleep at 1:30 AM on Sunday. So if I seem a little inappropriate, I'm sorry... I'm just having a difficult time holding together...and I'm using a lot of gallows humor.
These are the days when it doesn't rain, but it pours.

Tyranny Vs. Authority

This morning I had a moment of almost pure fury--- "Oh, snap! A nihilistic atheist did NOT just quote the bible AT me!" (Never mind, that he too comes from the priestly stock.) And then I realized, that quoting something that I'd used for years, I was dealing with the foggy mind that can only come from a caffeine addict drinking decaff. What I originally posted was "Opposition to authority is obedience to God" which, truly DOES go against Romans 13: 1-2
1Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God.

2Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.
Which St Paul wrote...even seeing Emperor Nero do his thing. Wait a minute, I said... (as I became irritated at myself) then I remembered the actual quote: Opposition to tyranny is obedience to God! Not, that the Julio-Claudian emperors were above a bit of tyranny here or there.
So, here goes: I do not advocate complete overthrow of government (YET). I do believe that if something needs to change, then it is up to the citizen to do something about it. Civil disobedience, ala Henry David Thoreau? Go for it! And people: check again, even if you've known the quote for years.
Now, just how I confused tyranny for authority, I'll never know.

Love Is The Answer?

Whenever I've been frightened, for my life, that of another, or just of sticking my nose out the door because of the number of times it's been snipped off, a dear friend reminds me, always, of one of two verses. I may not be religious, even for a Catholic (although, if I could I'd round up a bunch for Midnight Mass) but I do believe in faith. (If you have religion and no faith, you really need help!) and I believe in these WHOLE HEARTEDLY.
The first, and I keep it posted on a wall (One of the few pictures I have that doesn't require nails I don't have yet.) is from 1 Corinthians 13: 4
Love is patient/ Love is kind/ Love envieth not, Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up LOVE NEVER FAILS
I try to, although I am not perfect, and will screw up here or there, live this literally, give love and care, even if I've been hurt. It makes no sense to me NOT to do so.
The second is what gets gently repeated to me:
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fearBecause Fear hath Torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love - 1 John 4:18
Most of the time, I get the first bits--- and while I pray to lose fear, or to quit hiding- I still don't know how to genuinely smile, I think- I do know what Love is, and I agree... Love can make you able to lift a Volkswagen above your head, to save a child, or to run where "angels fear to tread" to save a friend.
Love never fails? I can say only that I have to get back to you there. I know mine will never fail for those I adore, no matter how dark it gets. But I don't know if it's the answer, just yet.

Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference- and, Oh, Lord, the presence of mind to always keep a shovel handy. Amen.

The Serenity Prayer, both straight and sarcastic, has been with me, and prayed with no sarcasm whatsoever, for years now. When I first started getting sick around age 20, and they plied me with numerous pain relievers and told me the massive back pain, etc, was just a part of bad scoliosis, or told me I must be just "imagining" the pain that kept me pretty much in bed, and sent me off to numerous counselors, while I got sicker, and only had a few that didn't chalk it up to grief of losing a friend not long before that, or un-shed tears from '95- I finally figured it out after dealing with a wedding with "flu-like symptoms", and culminating in leaving a birthday party unable to do much more than mimic Groucho Marx's walk--- bent and awkward, and no cigar or dirty jokes to be found- when I finally turned gray, and was rushed off, they figured out, after years of prayer, what was going on. Now, I can't take certain pain relievers, I drink Gatorade sometimes in massive amounts because I dehydrate fast. (You know I'm thirsty when I attack a glass of water like you're going to take it away from me... numerous glasses just chugged without realizing it.) But, I'm alive-- because I kept fighting. I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop, or rest, or use humor that may or may not be "mortuary" or "gallows" humor. I'll trust eventually. Maybe. I know that, in the past few years, that given the chance I could say "Thank you, you fine 'followers of Christ'. Do you think shoving faithless religion down my throat, telling me that the pain is God's punishment for a crime I MUST have committed... is Christlike? Why don't you tell a little kid with cancer that? Or someone whose child died? You idiots--- I can tell you this : I never hated before. Thank you, because you have taught me HOW to hate." I am still praying about that, because it does not feel good. And I don't like it.

The Trouble With Poets, Is How Do You Know They're Deceased?

Myspace three-point-oh
even Bugs Bunny's death throes
Doth not go so long

Errors and bugs, blips
Oh, Myspace, it pains me so
Should I stay, or... go?

I See The Moon...

I see the moon, and the moon sees me
And the moon sees the one I want to see
God bless the moon
And God bless me
And God bless the one I want to see
I have always adored this little bit... it's another prayer I offer up, especially if it feels like dawn might never come- we all have those days!
People have looked at the moon as numerous things for many thousands of years- a gentle, feminine entity, (Apollo's twin, the virgin- goddess, and his exact opposite-Artemis, was the Roman face of the moon.) To the ruler of the tides, to a somewhat dark entity (The word "Lunatic" basically means "Moon Madness"- the Latin root for moon is "Luna"), that controls tides, cycles and minds.
I see it as something comforting... something to gaze up at as I lay in the dark... something to watch each month as it is "born" and moves through to "old age", into darkness and back.
So Goodnight, Moon. And God bless... Rest easy.

Today Belongs to Me

For Halloween, they say, there's a chance to create who you want to be. Or have fun. Or be silly. Or, in my case, to switch up the usual simple black cat or "I'm a human being!" costumes. I chose this time around to be goofy--- and to show my tougher, more womanly side. I don't do "Sexy for the sake of sexy" often- or on purpose, usually. So I went as a sort of uh... I hate this term because it doesn't quite ring right to me- "Sex Kitten". I am going in the exact opposite direction now!
Today, I'm taking the past many months, and using them for what they're worth- it's been rough, I've been sad, and there have been numerous things from just the past few years, and numerous close calls with death, many dealings with violence- and yes, truly advocating for revolution. We all need it. A complete turn-about. I have not, try as I might, forgiven, nor forgotten some painful stuff. I may forever have some evidence of them in my face. So, today, I celebrate, not Guy Fawkes, nor the failed Powderkeg Revolution. Today, I am letting my face say it all, while I be goofy, and using November 5th to spark my own miniature revolution- for me. Today- tomorrow- belongs to ME.
And, because I'm a nice sort: my other side. Not the trembly, goofy, "gentle" me, but the side of me I let only a few see. My "Sexy just for the fun of it side. Maybe."